Peanut butter M&Ms

I thoroughly enjoy peanut butter m&ms. Seriously, its 11:30 in the morning and I'm indulging in a stash of chocolate-peanut buttery goodness. I feel a tid-bit guilty....but not enough to stop eating them. Besides, I'll run later tonight and get rid of the guilt.

Its sometimes a challenge to me knowing that I'm going to run at night to get rid of some small pleasure. Would I really miss the peanut-butter m&ms if I didn't eat them? Are they really worth it? What is so redeeming about candy coated chocolate that causes me to "indulge" in something I know I'll regret later? Interestingly enough, I find myself challenged with that question in so many more ways.

What sin or burden is so worthwhile that it will satisfy and somehow serve as a replacement in my life for God's direction?

Last night I went and saw Superman and then we all headed out to Sunshine. Its a bit of a drive across town and I had a lot on my mind, so I was glad when my friend jumped in the car with me. I unloaded a bit of my struggles (not purposefully) and he was very supportive. He said that he had expected it to come out sometime. I don't know if he just has some great insight or its just obvious that I was carrying a bit of a chip on my shoulder...but I was glad he understood. I think back to this situation and realize that it was my "peanut butter m&ms." I was so burdened in the situation. I worried...I fretted...and I was so unhappy thinking of what was going to happen next. I was in a situation that wasn't in line with God's will, and I knew it. I knew I'd have to "run it off" after the fact, but for some reason I stayed and indulged in the heartache.

What a picture God painted for me last night! I sat in my car and told Nick that I haven't had an unhappy day since the fact. I truly feel like I've run off my m&ms and I know what it feels like to fit into that outfit that should be way too small... I'm freed of it!

I've not felt this happy in a long time. I've been blessed with some amazing friends, ones who truly care and one in particular who understands me more-so than I thought anyone ever could. Its a great blessing.

I challenge you to stop and listen before you indulge in your peanut butter m&ms and recognize that running it off won't be as redeeming as following God's will in the first place.

Pursued by punk rock...

If you know me very well, you know that I love music. I can't spend a day at work without listening to emo or praise songs or upbeat punk music. Today I'm in one of those punk moods...suprisingly enough. I dabble in pure-volume sometimes...one of my favorite things is finding bands that nobody's ever heard of before and becoming a huge fan. Its not necessarily purposeful that I become such a huge fan...I just happen to really enjoy quality music thats not over commercialized and popular.

Being a songwriter is such a powerful position. I'd love to be able to scribble out a few words that paint a picture of my innermost thoughts, then grab a guitar and pick out a collage of notes to harmonize my intent. Fortunately, God knows whats best for me...and apparently thats not.

I think what draws me in so much is the pursuit in these songs. The lyrics grab at your heart and I can actually visualize (the videographer coming out in me) someone singing this to a girl. I found a particularly intersting song by Cartel that deals with just this...songwriting and pursuit.

"...all these minstrels through the ages
that is really all we are
simply singing for the girl
that makes us try so very hard
to craft the perfect limerick
to wield unending woe
to write such silly songs
and the different never know

shelter me oh genius words
just give me strength
just to pen these things
and give me peace to well her wings
and oh carry on all you minstrels of the world
we will catch our ladies ear
we will win for us the girl..."

A huge part of me can't wait to be pursued like this. There is nothing more romantic than someone intentionally pursuing a relationship with you...platonic or not.... I can't remember a time when I was fully pursued by someone like that.

As I've spent my day thinking about those lyrics, I realized thats what God wants. I should be spending my every free moment and every thought pursuing a closer relationship with Him. Just as it is exciting for me when someone cares enough to be intentional, its just as exciting for God! And He deserves SO much more!

So, I leave you with this good song...a new "unknown" band to discover....and something to ponder. Be intentional....God is so deserving of that.

Realizations and revelations...

I definitely need to update this more....hmmmm...

God's been teaching me a lot lately. A lot has been happening in my life...changes in the way my time is spent...and its made a world of difference in my walk! Today at church, I was sitting in the row with my 3 close friends (all 3 married couples) and realized that it was the first time in a long time that I was okay with it. Usually it bothers me a bit to be the unmarried one amidst the happy families...but it was okay! Sarah loves to dig into my life and gets so excited over little things we talk about...and we started talking about my future in general. Right now, I'm at the point where I would be okay with God taking me anywhere. I should always have that faith and willingness, but it isn't always that easy.

About a year ago, I sat in Marion, IN...working my summer away, searching for a job where I wanted to live. I had all of it planned out... Then, God really tested me. He put me right back in Richmond, Indiana...someplace that was never an option. I was so upset. I couldn't understand how I could be so willing to go wherever and God put me here!?! Now, I realize 2 things.

First, I wasn't willing. I had my boundaries. I had mapped out guidelines in my mind and said "Okay God, I'll go anywhere...as long as its here or here or here...no father than here." How dare I put God in a box. He already knew where I was going, I didn't need to give Him instructions. Now that I look back, I realize how shallow I was. How selfish I was. And at the same time, I think of where I am now. I am in the same situation. Ready to go...ready for God to put me wherever He wants me. But, its different now. I truly believe that God is going to put me where He wants me without me having any say-so. If he wants me to live here, then by golly, I'll find a great apartment and become involved in a great community of believers and pour out into the lives of others. But, He could move me to Nicaragua...I don't know! All I do know is that I'm willing...I'm ready to go wherever! Through my prayer life, I've felt the Holy Spirit so much lately. Apartments I've looked at haven't felt right at all...my job feels like its coming to an end (for me, at least)...and more and more people are moving away, people who live "away" are flourishing, and I'm getting antsy. I don't know what that means, but I know that I'm praying a whole lot about it...

Which brings me to number two. I look back on this year and realize how blessed I have been. I now see some of the reasons God has put me here. He's given me a couple of great mentors...wives and mothers that have gone through the exact struggles I face daily...and they can't wait to pour into my life. I've found accountability...something that always was a struggle. I've learned so much in my work...not only about video production, but about myself, my work habits, and my strengths and weaknesses. I can't tell you how many times a lady at my church has prayed with me and thanked God that He brought me back to FCWC just in time to do His work in media.... And even with that, I realized how pivotal FCWC was in me being here...but coincidentally, I've been passing that torch to someone who will actually hold a part-time position doing what I did in my spare time and he is perfect for it. I feel like thats just another portion of my time here that God is blessing and allowing me to move away from. Its not my responsibility anymore, God's putting someone else there.

I can't believe how shallow I was a year ago. I also can't believe how much closer I am to God now than I was a year ago. I hope every year I see that same growth!! God is good and as I sat at church today, I had to smile thinking of that. He knows much better than I ever could....and I thank God for that! And thanks Sarah, for making my life seem exciting :-)

"Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweights them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18