Thursday, March 15, 2007

This beautiful disaster

"She loves her mama's lemonade,
Hates the sounds that goodbyes make.
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.
She swears that there's no difference,
Between the lies and complements.
It's all the same if everybody leaves her.

Cuz she's just the way she is, but no ones told her that's ok.

She would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
But she just needs someone to take her home."
-Jon McLaughlin

I just returned from a week-long trip with our Lady Wildcats to Sioux City, IA. There, they competed in the NAIA Div. II Women's basketball national championship....and won. It was a great ride...but I had a lot of time on the road. A lot of time on the road equals a lot of time with the iPod on, staring out the window. Coincidentally, those times were some of my favorite quiet times with God.

I've listened to this song quite a few times now and for some reason, it always hits me hard. Living in today's society can be so overwhelming, sometimes. I love the ways God has blessed me these past few months, but I still feel like I'm a mess. I act like I have it all together, but in reality, when will I ever accomplish that?

I still cry sometimes at the thought of having all married friends...and still being single and alone. I go home everyday to a quiet and cold 2 bedroom house and cook a small dinner...only to have leftovers for the next few days. I'd love for someone to be there to enjoy my cooking and cleaning. I'd love to have someone to watch late-night tv with and to bake cookies for and to rub my neck when I come home from a long day. I still struggle with finding quality friends who desire to spend time with me and don't expect me to drop everything on the rare occassion they aren't doing anything to see them instead of them taking initiative. I thought I found that friend, then she got a boyfriend and I haven't heard from her in 2 weeks.

Some say that I'm too picky. I have specific taste when it comes to men and friends. Finding a guy that desires to live a Godly life and be a gentleman and take care of me is pretty rare. In the same way, finding friends who desire Godly relationships and who remember my birthday is just as rare. Why does everyone have a problem remembering that?

I was reading some James MacDonald today and he was reinforcing the importance of finding your calling and living it out. Thats when you can be truly joyful, when you are living out what God has designed you to do. Maybe thats why I'm struggling. I've always known that my call is to be a wife and a mother...and to make that more important than any other job society deems important. For some reason, God keeps reminding me of that. I can't wait to fulfill that calling and start living it out.

"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. We are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them." Ephesians 2:8-10

I don't know why, but God keeps throwing this verse in my life. I've seen it quite a few times lately. This goes along with my prayer. I want to be living out my calling despite being single and unmarried. God has given me the tools and the talents to accomplish great what am I waiting on? I don't have to be a mother to do so....everything I do now is preparing me for that someday. My goal is to do everything as unto the Lord, even if it means being content with where I'm at so that God can fully mold me to fulfill that.

And working toward that goal is so matter how much of a disaster it seems to be right now.


Blogger Matthew Westerholm said...

I stumbled across your blog and like it a lot. You write very clearly and passionately at the same time. Not easy, so good work!

One quick question: Which book were you reading by James?

12:59 PM  

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